I don’t know if I will ever have a long-term romantic relationship. I have seen a few and they stop being glamorous after a few short weeks. But the one thing that I don’t think they stop being is meaningful.

I don’t know if I will find “The One”.

And I am not using the phrasing “The One” lightly. I am aware that there is very little evidence to support the claim that a soul mate actually exists. And I am categorically against the notion that a single person can meet all your emotional and psychological needs. No, when I say “The One”, I mean someone whom I like enough (and who likes me back) to commit to that level.

At this point, I think it’s all about likeability and reciprocity. Let me explain.

Call me a misanthrope but I don’t like a lot of people. And I like to hang out with even a smaller subset of the ones that I actually do like. Commitment, the kind that a long term romantic relationship necessitates, would require someone that I would get along with really really well.

The couple of times I did manage to find someone like that, it was unfortunately not reciprocated. And that hurt — a lot.

Now, I have taken “Intro to Statistics” so like any machine learning expert, I can confidently assert that any prediction model trained on my romantic history would come up empty handed when tasked with finding me a suitable match.

When I think in those terms, I become quite sad, primarily because I think I would make at least a half decent boyfriend if I get the chance to express that side of myself. I mean, don’t get me wrong, in the handful of short term relationships I’ve had, I have definitely made my fair share of mistakes — but overall? I think I was pretty good! (And no, this is not me self certifying— this is based on consumer feedback). I made it a point to actually prioritize my partners and their needs. And a few times, when I was lucky, I found partners who did the same for me.

But somehow, effort and/or a desire to fuck each other’s brains out proves to be insufficient to make a relationship last.

The issue, which also proved to be the demise of (most of the) aforementioned relationships, has always been that I didn’t like them as much as I wanted to like a significant other.

I used to describe it as a spark — something that you feel with only a few certain people after you’ve met them. It’s this cocktail of feelings of admiration, want and respect. I don’t know if I can explain this to someone who has never experienced it but I’ll try — It’s what you don’t have with most people. Unfortunately, there is no word to describe this feeling.

So I have decided to coin a new term for it — Lex.

That’s when you like someone for who they are and really want to have sex with them based on that liking.

Nope, it’s not like a crush- crushes fade (at least for me) as soon as the image of perfection that we have of the other person is challenged. Something as small and insignificant as a pimple can shatter a crush. But you don’t really have Lex until you really see the other person. And the more you understand them, and like what you see — Lex grows.

It’s not plain old “liking someone”. You can like someone platonically. Lex has sex built into it.

I am also not trying to repackage love — Love is emotional. Lex is more cerebral. It is based on insight into the other person. And love is natural — something that I find develops over time in some capacity or the other, whether you like the person or not. Therefore you can love someone deeply while simultaneously not liking them very much. Lex, on the other hand, is much more constrained.

Like any good language designer, who totally set out to invent a new word today in a previously planned and pre meditated blog entry — I have taken meticulous care to think about the proper usage of the word.

Lex can be used as a noun — She is my lex/ We are in Lex/ I’m in lex with her.

Lex can be used as a verb — I am totally lexing over her.

There is also this special case where you can Lex with someone which basically means that it’s a mutual Lex. This is going to be important later.

Maybe I will have more use cases as I integrate it into my own vocabulary.

Okay, so now that we have defined vocabulary to capture precisely our feelings for someone, let’s dive into practicality.

IF human relationships were a game, finding someone you Lex with would set you up for a potential victory. Why? Because I think that in romantic relationships, most real problems can be dealt with, when the people involved actually like each other and want to work through stuff. The more in Lex they are — the easier it is for them to understand where the other person is coming from and appreciate it. Being in Lex ascertains that you have at least a level of appreciation and gratitude for the other person’s efforts when things get truly challenging.

And Lex also points to potential for growth. When you Lex with someone — you don’t just see who they are, you also see who they want to be. And being in Lex means that you like both those versions of the person. It means that you support their vision for themselves.

If you Lex with someone — both of these things are reflected back at you, allowing you to deal with arising challenges with a firm, supportive voice that promotes your growth along the gradient that you seek.

So all that sounds great and promising and sure maybe there is someone out there whom I might lex with. How the fuck do I find them?

Well, the following recipe might sound like something that will probably ensure you that you end up single, however, I believe that there is an infinitesimal chance that it leads you to your lex.

1. Understand yourself first: This should be really easy. Observe yourself and introspect. I don’t how self awareness emerges in a person, but if you think you’re cool — it probably hasn’t blossomed within you.
2. Understand what you lex with: Think of all the people you’ve lexed with and list down the attributes that made you lex for them so hard. That’s what you’re looking for.
3. Try to find out where you’d get that collection: I am reminded of a rich English proverb — People with similar diseases visit similar hospitals. So find out which clubs/ social places you’re most likely to run into people who you meet your criteria from step two.
4. Numbers game : If I could do one thing differently, and I mean drastically differently, it would be going out more, putting myself in positions where I talk to a larger sample set.
5. Don’t try to force yourself into lex: And this is the hardest part. We want to believe that we’ve found the one and that we’re going to live happily ever after. And maybe you have, but the key to real lex is patience and understanding. Lex necessities you to take it slow and not make any committal moves out of the gate.
6. Never push your lex down someone’s unwilling throat: just because you find someone lexful (there you go, another use case), does not mean that they find you lexable as well. Lex is a lot of things — necessarily reciprocal is not one of them.

If you follow this six step process you’re bound to find either no one or the most amazing person in your life and that’s a dice that I’m willing to roll because I don’t need to be lucky every time- I need to be lucky just once.

So yeah, I am probably going to end up alone because it’s Lex or nothing for me.

I am actively trying to grow this blog so if you liked this entry, please share it with people who you think it might lex with.